Behind the thin blue line...

Today is a day to Thank the men and women who put on that police uniform day in and day out. A day to thank them for their service. A day to thank them for their protection. A day to thank them for their patience. A day to thank them for their sacrifices. A day to thank them for their presence. A day to thank them for putting the lives of others above their own. A day to thank them for doing a job well done. So...THANK YOU!!

Being the wife of a State Trooper is not something I dreamed about as a little girl. I'm not going to lie...this lifestyle is hard! However...as hard as it is...I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

What I did dream about as a little girl was having a husband who loved me unconditionally. A husband who supported me and believed in me. A husband who wanted to walk this life by my side...not in front of or behind me, but side by side. A husband who loved the Lord and would put his faith above everything else. A husband who made me a better person. A husband who would keep me safe. All those things I prayed for and dreamed about came true...they just so happened to be wrapped up in the package of an amazing man, who had the same dreams for a wife...and who also dreamed of being a police officer. My dreams came true! But not only did I get the man of my dreams but I also got my hero. 

Sure there are long nights...or short nights...depending on how you look at it. Sure we have crazy schedules. Sure there are lonesome holidays. Sure there are quiet meals. Sure there are lots of hectic nights getting the kids ready for bed. Sure there are unanswered phone calls. Yet with all that, there's nothing I would change. Because all of that comes with the job and without that job he wouldn't be doing what he is called to do. He was made for this. When he puts on that uniform, he's a different man. I can only imagine what it's like to see him on the other side. I know what sets him off. I know his pet peeves are. I know what is has zero tolerance for and what he might let slide. Those that get to see him in their rear view mirror with those lovely blue, red and white lights flashing, get a quick course on what some of those things are. 

You would think after he comes home and the uniform comes off that he would relax but it just doesn't happen. Of course he's more laid back but he's always on point. Listening. Watching. Observing. I'm always amazed when we are driving down the road and meet a car, going the opposite direction, and he can tell me if the plate is valid and what the expiration date is, if it was male or female driving and also color and make of the vehicle. All in a matter of seconds. CRAZY!! I'm doing good with just the color and if it's a car, truck or SUV. Of course there's going out to eat. He must always be facing the door. He is always making eye contact with those around him. Taking in every detail. Listening to conversations going on around him. Yet still staying present. Still communicating and carrying a conversation with his own family. Still helping with meals. I have just learned that even though his eyes are wondering and looking around, he is still paying attention to me. And the hardest thing to get used to...the gun. It didn't come easy. For the longest time, when he was in uniform I would only hug around his neck. It just wasn't right to touch a gun while hugging him. As time passed the uneasiness was replaced with comfort. Now, there's a sense of peace knowing it's there...ready for him if he ever needs it.

In light of the situation in Ferguson, I appreciate everyday a little bit more. I appreciate our freedom a little bit more. I appreciate his job a little bit more. I appreciate the life we live a little bit more. Of course we have always talked and prayed about him coming home safe every day/night. I had never really thought about how other events could be so life changing. I can't wrap my mind around not being able to do the job of your dreams because you did your job. Mind boggling!

I am so proud of my husband. I am so proud to be his wife. I am honored to be a LEOW (law enforcement officers wife). My love for him and my faith in Christ is what makes me the best wife for this job...for our life. I am so grateful that I am able to kiss him before he leaves for work and be home to greet and kiss him when his shift ends. Sure there are times when I worry, but I am thankful that those times are few and far between. This is the perfect life for me!

So the next time you see an officer...Thank them. It doesn't have to be a special day. But it's an easy way to make their day special.

The journey continues...

Triple D

Wow...that was a fast 30 days! This is such an amazing journey. And to watch my body transform, literally before my eyes, is AWESOME!! With that being said, not every day comes easy. Not every day feels good. But every day is a success!! No matter how bad I am not in the mood to do my exercises, I do them anyway. That brings me to my first "D".

Determination!

I am determined to change. I am determined to get healthy and tone up. I am determined to finish what I started. I am determined to make a lifestyle change.

It is that determination that pushes me to run up and down the stairs...to jump rope... to do my least favorite exercises (which are mountain climbers and burpees....BLAH!!!!). The determination to prove to myself that I can do it. The determination to believe in myself the way my husband believes in me.

My second "D" is...

Desire!

I truly have the desire to want to change. The desire to look at myself and be happy with my reflection...not just satisfied. The desire to set an example to others...because believe me, if I can do this...ANYONE can do it. The desire that my boys will learn a lifestyle of fitness and crave it in their daily lives.

My final "D" is...

Dedication!

I am dedicated to loving my body. I am dedicated to this change so I can be as fit as possible to keep up with my littles. I am dedicated to process...and the realization that change doesn't happen over night.

When I made the decision to start exercising, it originally was to make a quick change and then go back to my old ways. I was so naive....and very childlike in my thought process of how my 30+ year old body would react to the workouts and maintain the progress. However, along those first 30 days I began to slowly enjoy my few minutes of working out. Now 90 days later I honestly feel better afterwards and love the adrenaline rush it provides. The part I struggle with the most is the mental side....and to be honest...the lazy side. But I literally talk to myself and remind myself of how easy it is to just give up...it takes true heart and dedication/desire/determination to keep going. So I get up and get 'er done!

I decided on a 90 day challenge this time because I wanted to step it up. It's a whole body routine and has taken some getting use to but I like changing it up. I don't even remember how I stumbled across the program that I'm doing but I am so glad I did. The name of it is called, "The bikini body mommy 90 day challenge". It is a program that was started by a mommy who does the exercises right along with you and you get to see her struggles and results right along with yours. She has a meal plan as well, however, I do not follow along with that portion of the challenge. You have to pay for that, and to be honest...I'm not looking for a 'diet'...I'm looking for a lifestyle change. I know I will not eat healthy food all the time, so I wanted to transform my body by eating the things I already eat...just kick it up a notch with so very much needed exercise.  Every single one of her daily exercise routines are on YouTube...for free!! No excuses!!

When I started this challenge, I took before pictures of myself (just like she tells you to) in a bikini. I am not going to share the before pictures until the 90 days is up and I can show them side by side. I still have plenty of room for improvement and can't wait to see the results on October 31st!! So stay tuned!! However, I did take my normal "before" pictures. There's not a huge difference visually but there is a noticeable difference in the way things "move".  Here's my last 30 days of progress:

 Now in all fairness...I took the one of the left at the end of my leg challenge on July 31st. I didn't start my 90 day challenge until August 3rd. So technically there is more then 30 days between these shots.  But it is the best shot I have to show the difference. I am so pleased with the results...in just 30 days. 6.5 inches!!! How awesome is that!! Here is the breakdown as to where I lost my inches.

Chest = -1 inch

Arms (bicep) = no change

Waist = -1.5 inches

Thigh = no change

Hips: Widest = -1.5 inches

Hips: Narrow-ist = -2.5 inches

I was in shock when the measurements were taken today. Yay me!! These results just give me more and more umph to keep going. I also wanted to share a reminder of where I started from back on June 1st. I am so mad that I didn't think to take measurements to begin with.  (Reminder: I did a 30 day Ab challenge 6.1.14-6.30.14 and then a leg challenge 7.1.14-7.31.14, and starting my 90 day full body challenge 8.3.14)

Another thing I want to point out...even with all the changes my body is making...the scale says exactly the same thing today that it did 30 days ago, on August 3rd. Proof that the scale is NOT a depiction of my hard work or results.

One more thing...I wrote a little saying on my mirror as a reminder to myself and thought it might help remind someone else..."Satan's job is to distract you from the goodness God has planned for you...don't get distracted". Satan tells me I can't do this...that I won't stick with it...that it's not making a difference...that nobody cares. I am proudly proving him wrong...every day...one step at a time!!

The journey continues...

Camping fun...L style 101

It's hard to believe summer break is over. Where did the time go? It's a yucky feeling to know that with summer break being over, that only means one thing...fall and winter are not that far away. Blah!!! Since we didn't do much this summer we wanted to do something special before E went back to school. It was completely last minute but so worth it.

I came home from a photo session last Tuesday and told my hubby that I thought "we should go camping...Thursday...for 4 days". He was a little shocked and wondered if I was really serious. I reassured him I was and that it would be a lot of fun. So the planning began...secretly. There was no way we could let E know, otherwise I would've been so tired of all the questions that I would've changed my mind before it was even time to even leave. Thankfully the hubs and I are both OCD about packing/storing stuff, so getting stuff ready wasn't too bad. We planned the menu, completed our "need to pick up on the way" list and was ready to load up in less then 48 hours. I have always said, if I'm going to camp it had to be enough days to make it worth the while of getting everything packed up and set up at a site. I can't do the set up one day and tear down the next. No way!!

I wanted to share a few of my lessons from this little adventure.

1. If you purchase a new tent...set it up and check it out before you arrive at your site.

We arrived on Thursday late afternoon much later then we had planned. We unrolled our brand new, never been opened, tent only to discover it had been used by a previous merchant and then damaged...with a basketball size hole in the side of it...then packaged back up in it's originally packaging and returned to the store...then sold as brand new. So...we packed it back up...drove 30 minutes to the store and had to return/exchange it for another one. Of course they didn't have the one we purchased so we had to settle for a different one. It did the job and will be plenty big enough when we don't have to bring the pack-n-play anymore.

It was a little toasty setting everything up but the boys enjoyed helping.

2. When you have an eager toddler/4 year old who wants to help and learn...give him something to do. It truly is the only way to survive. It reduces questions and lessens tantrums.

Michael was in boy/eagle scouts and retained so much information so he is full of knowledge when it comes to the outdoors. He's like my own little Bear Grylls. lol. Ethan learned a lot over the 4 days we were there. In this picture M is teaching E how to start a fire. E's job is to break up the little sticks. He loved this job and talked about it the whole time. Not to mention he spent the daytime hours finding more sticks to use for the next fire.

I think Elliott is doing a fire dance, in the background. lol

3. Down time is good.

We didn't want the kids to expect to be off doing something the entire time. We want them to also just enjoy being outside and chilling. We urged them to hunt for things and play around the site. We brought trucks and dump trucks, so a lot of dirt/gravel was moved during our stay. We set up their little table and they drew pictures and used it to collect the things they found. We also brought some 'snaps/pops' we had left over from the fourth of July. That was great entertainment. Afterwards, they picked up the 'trash' from them which led to picking up trash around the site. We want them to just soak up the beauty of God's creation and appreciate all the wonderful things you can do outside. 

PS...it was so awesome to not have hardly any cell phone coverage. 

Drawing pictures

Breakfast guests

Throwing rocks

Throwing 'snaps/pops'

4. Throw out the routine

I am a creature of habit and I like my routine. I have created monsters with my kids and their routines. Thankfully E is old enough to pretty much go with the flow and e is pretty flexible. That being said...they get cranky if meal time is off or nap/quiet/bed time is altered. At bedtime the routine is pretty strict: bath, brush teeth, read stories, say prayers, go potty, sing songs then lay down. I was pretty relaxed with the time of nap time but e still went down around the usual time and thankfully had good naps everyday. Bedtime was usually at dark. Both boys did great...with the exception of the first night. E had a rough time...he doesn't like all the bug sounds and was up a lot through out the night. I don't think we slept more then an hour at a time. Finally at 3 A.M. I made up a silly saying for him to say if he woke up and he thought it was the greatest. It worked and the rest of the trip was restful. 

Bath time!

5. Do something special

Our something special was going out in the kayaks. It was fun by all. We hadn't been out in the kayaks in years so it was so much fun. Not to mention a great work out. There was splashing fights, super soaker fights and maybe even a little ramming. So many giggles. Priceless!

6. Prepare to hunker down.

Murphy's Law...if we go camping...it will storm. Without fail!! We knew there was a chance for rain and scattered storms but were hopeful they would miss us. Rain...meh...no big deal. Wind...in a tent...not so fun!! Praise the Lord there was not a lot of lighting. There was a lot of thunder but thankfully we didn't see the lightening. But the wind...oh my goodness!! We tried to put the windows up on the tent but had to leave them open to disperse the wind, otherwise the tent was collapsing on us. M even had to jump out and re-stake a side down. Not fun!! The positive of the story...(a) it blew in during the middle of the day, rather then over night and...(b) it was during nap/quiet time and the boys did great. E played on the Kindle (yes...we had to do something to take his mind off how bad it was and keep him quiet since we were all shacked up in the tent while e was sleeping) and e slept through the entire storm.

Smiling to keep from crying...wind starting to pick up

Our screen house got the worst of it

 7. Dirt is ok

This is probably the hardest thing for me to deal with during any camping trip. When we decided to make this trip, I decided to just pack a bunch of extra clothes for the kiddos and put worrying about dirty clothes, dirty finger nails or consumed dirt at the bottom of my list. I must admit...it was much more enjoyable. Once getting home and looking at all the dirty clothes made me cringe but in the long run it was worth it.

8. Helpful Hint

Here is my tid bit of advise...take a screen house!! We didn't have issues with bugs after dark (we had several citronella candles) but during the day was a different story. It was like the plague of the flies. One night there were probably 200+ on the outside of the screen house. It was crazy!! I ended up trying out the water in a ziploc trick. I have had luck with it before but never tried it on a zip up door. It worked!! Rarely did we have a fly come in. So...if you don't know...put water in a ziploc and hang it in a doorway and it will keep the flies from coming in your house...or tent. Last year we tried it at a friends outdoor birthday party and hung several around the table and it helped then too. 

This is just a few of the flies...on one side.

All in all we had a great trip. We can't wait to do it again.

The journey continues...

Success...and failure

I can't believe it's already the end of July. Where did the last thirty days go? Crazy!

This month I challenged myself to 30 days of working out my thighs. My intention was to continue some ab exercises also, but that's where "failure" comes in. To me the most important part was working out my legs and by the time I finished those exercises, I didn't feel much like doing anything else. Mainly because my legs were like jell-o. There were a few days that I did planks. I gave up sooner then I should have but maintained a minimum 90 second plank every time. As you will be able to see, the result of my 'failure' resulted in loosing definition in my abs.  I'm not doing any of this to get "ripped", but I am frustrated with myself for loosing ground on what I worked so hard to gain.

Another area that I failed in, is the darn scale. UGH!! For whatever reason, I drag myself on it every day...thinking it will be different then the day before. Again...I haven't changed my eating habits at all since I started this journey. I still have the same ole eating habits as before. Even when I wasn't exercising at all the scale was consistent. I believed that working out would be the difference is lowering the number. Well, last month I gained a little weight. Sure enough, this month, I gained weight again. Here's the frustrating part...if you look at my weight on June 30th vs. July 30th, I'm actually down one pound. However, in the middle of the month, I was five pounds lighter then I ended up being at the end of the month. I know, I should be celebrating the small things, in the fact that I did "lose" weight but in the scheme of things...it should have been more.

Phew...I'm going to 'verbalize' this and it is so hard to say and admit "out loud". I am still nursing my 17 month old son. I love it. I treasure it and am savoring the moments that will end much sooner then I want them too...just because he is growing up too fast. My husband (jokingly) gives me a hard time about it...all the time. Telling me I'm doing it more for myself then for our son. There's a lot more truth to that statement then he even knows. The truth of the matter is...fear. Fear in myself. Fear in old habits. Fear of not having the strength. Fear of my eating disorder. I can try to sugar coat it and deny it until I'm blue in the face but at the end of the day...that's what it is. Not in the sense that I would wither away to nothing. Not a chance...I like food to much for that to happen. But, in the past if I ever wanted to lose weight I just wouldn't eat. I would eat enough to get by...like one meal a day...but nothing like what a grown healthy woman should. By nursing, I know I can't do that. It's about someone else. Someone else who is relying on me. I have to have those calories to provide nourishment for my baby. Without that duty, if you will, I fear falling back into my old mindset.  I'm enjoying working out and I look forward to it, so I pray daily that it will help me focus my energy and thoughts to achieve the end result...the healthy way!

Legs ended up being harder then I originally anticipated. After the first week, I thought it was going to be a breeze. Wrong! Like I said, my thighs were like jello-o. One night, about a week ago, after my routine, I went into the basement...I didn't know if I was going to make it back up the stairs. lol. I took pictures, of course, and have mixed feelings. I don't really see any results. I'm guessing it's because I had such high expectations, from the great results last month. My husband disagrees with me and says he can see a difference. After much studying, maybe I can see a little change but not the amount that I wanted. I took two different pictures on July 1st...one in capri's and one in shorts. I thought the capri's would show results better, but I don't think they did.

This is also July 1st vs. July 30th

I also thought I would include a June 1st vs. July 30th picture as well.

At lease I'm not back where I started. ;)

I decided since the last two months were successful, in the sense that I finished what I started, I decided to increase my challenge. I will be doing a 90 day full body challenge. I think changing it up will be good. Now that I've proven to myself that I can do it, I'm excited to add the challenge of mixing up body parts. I will update throughout the next 90 days and will keep you  posted.

The journey continues...

A new me

I haven't felt much like blogging in the past year but I've been itching to get back into it. It now will consist of life lessons I've experienced. It is my hope that those who read my blog will feel enlightened or at least come away knowing you aren't alone and it's never to late to better yourself. Some posts may be in reference to soul searching or me just putting out there the good days and the bad. From hormonal moments to parenting issues. Some posts will touch base with my journey to a better me...whether it be lifestyle, spiritual or mental change.

So here's my first post. It will consist of my journey to start exercising.

Back in May I was scrolling my news feed on Facebook and saw where someone was "attending an event". The event was a 30-day ab challenge, starting June 1st. I decided meh...I'll give it a try. I have never been one to stick with any exercise routine. I always start off strong and then fade after a few days. This time was different. I was ready. I really wanted to do this. I began to talk to my hubby about it and told him I was hoping to loose 10 pounds during the 30 days. He is much more realistic about things and he was super supportive. He said you can do it but 10 pounds is a lot for one month, especially considering I had done zero exercising in over a year. I thought about what he said and decided that I wouldn't stress about the scale. That was it...decision made. I would do this...and I would finish it!!

I decided I wanted to take a before and after picture. I am a visual person so I figured if I could compare pictures along the way and could see results it would give me more reason to stick with it. I would recommend it to anyone. As disgusted as you may feel doing it, you will be glad you did. And there will be no going back to take it later. I have decided to share my before picture. It is not pretty but it is reality. It's the result of two babies and very little activity.

Day One | June 1, 2014

I didn't have huge expectations. I really just wanted to finish what I started. To prove to myself that I could. I was constantly fighting the urge to take another picture. I didn't want to take a picture to soon and not see any change. I was dealing with my cycle shortly after beginning, so a week into it there was bloating and I definitely didn't want to capture that. So I waited thirteen days. I couldn't believe it. There was actual change. It was a huge boost to my self esteem. I was so driven and determined and convinced I could totally finish it. I couldn't wait to see what I would look like at the end of 30 days. Of course the hubby was so supportive. He knows how easy I give up, so to have him cheering me on was a huge help. I even got to the point of doing my exercises with him in the room. He did at one point have to remind me to put my butt down while doing a plank but he was so sweet about it. I believe his actual words were, "When we had to do planks in the academy, we had to keep our body in a straight line." I said, that's what I'm doing. He then proceeded to show me what I was supposed to do and what I was actually doing. lol. He was totally right. I could definitely feel the burn when I did it the right way.

I am a creature of habit. I want to be realistic about my journey. I don't want to get overwhelmed and I don't want to set unrealistic goals. I know myself and I know that making drastic changes will only lead to me throwing in the towel and becoming discouraged. With that in mind, that is why I choose to just focus on the "one" body part. It was the best decision I could have made for myself. I also don't do well with "you can't". So I already do not over indulge in food so I didn't want to limit myself as to what I could and couldn't eat. I have maintained the same "diet" as I always have. Three balanced meals and a snack before bed. I am horrible about staying hydrated too. So, yes, I enjoyed an evening snack of Doritos's. I know if I cut them out and would eat fruit instead I would see more results. Baby steps. :) In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy my cheesy snack.

The past 30 days went by so fast. In just these thirty short days, exercise has become something that I look forward to. I don't do much for myself, so I have developed a passion for it. I love that my own efforts are making the change. I don't have to rely on anyone or any machine to physically help me. Just me, my mind and my muscles. Very empowering! I would say to anyone who doesn't think they could do it. Surprise yourself...and just do it. I did my exercises while watching my guilty pleasures on TV. Since I shared my before picture it was a no brain er to share my after picture. I am by no means perfect and I have lots of room for improvement but I am so happy with the results...in just 30 short days!

Day 30 | June 30, 2014

I hope someone out there can be inspired and motivated to better themselves. You can do it!

Here's a side by side comparison:

Now that I have this new drive for a better me, I have decided to keep it going. For the month of July, I have decided to work on my legs. I will continue to keep up my ab workout but will be focusing 90% of my efforts on my legs...specifically my thighs. I look forward to sharing my results at the end of the month. Stay tuned. :)

The journey continues...

Happy Valentine's Day!

Wow!! Time is flying by. I haven't blogged in forever. I barely have enough time in the day to do the things that have to be done. I'm looking forward to blogging again, although I don't see it in my near future. I can't believe my boys are about to turn 4 and 1!! Crazy! I will definitely blog their party. It's going to be a blast.

I did want to share a video that I made for my amazing hubby, for Valentine's Day. We were both in tears watching it. Enjoy!! :)

Music: All of you, By: John Legend

Elliott's Birth Story...

8:30 Saturday morning, 2.23.13, I woke up with what I was sure was more braxton hicks. Since the hubby worked until 3:00AM I decided to get up and go into the living room and lay on the couch. I figured just by getting up and going into the living room they would either go away or lighten up. Nope! So I began to time them...6 minutes apart. The first thing that came to mind was: Hmmm...I should probably take a shower if we are going to go to the hospital. I called my dad to make sure he could meet us at the hospital to take Ethan back to his house. Thankfully his plans had changed for the day and he was available. I then went in to wake up Michael and told him I was going to jump in the shower but that I thought it was time to head to the hospital. He is so laid back (and partially exhausted still) he said, "Ok, do you think there's time for me to jump in the shower after you get out"? I said sure...you can do that while I'm getting Ethan up and ready.

During my shower my contractions were getting stronger and were now 2-3 minutes apart. I had been checking myself for several weeks and decided to check myself while in the shower. I couldn't feel anything...I was suddenly pissed. I was sure that if I was in labor that my cervix would be low and now it was so high I couldn't feel anything. I guess that's what one thinks when someone who doesn't really know the process the body goes through during labor. I get out and start expressing my frustration to Michael, he tells me I need to just relax and we would see what the nurses would say when we got to the hospital. Ugh! I hate it when he's right. ;) I got myself ready and then proceeded to get Ethan up. It was going to be a breakfast in the truck kind of day...he was pretty excited.

Thankfully the truck was already loaded with everything we needed...including a trash liner and towels on the seat. ;) By the time we left the house it had been 45 minutes since I began timing the contractions. They were VERY uncomfortable at this point and I was mentally trying to prepare for the fact that it was going to be a LONG hour and fifteen minute ride to the hospital. I brought along a pop tart to eat but couldn't even think about eating by this point. I was timing the contractions with an app on my phone and within 10 minutes of being on the road they were 2 minutes apart and lasting 45 seconds - 1 minute long.

Of course we hit every light red and there were lots of slow drivers out, most of which needed to turn off onto side roads in front of us, causing lots of starting and stopping/slowing down. I was tested to the limit as I had to maintain self control since Ethan was in the back seat. I was experiencing mainly back pain which made being uncomfortable even worse. At that point, Ethan's car seat was behind my seat so I couldn't recline my seat, which I was sure would have helped. I just kept alternating grabbing the center console and hubs hand. Bless hubby's heart...he just kept saying, "You're doing great, babe. I promise I will get you to the hospital". I teasingly said, "before or after the baby gets here". It felt good to laugh and sorta joke in such a trying time.

The plan was to meet my Dad at the front door and he would just take our vehicle to his house with Ethan, that way we wouldn't have to get Ethan out. So we pulled up to the front door and my Dad came out with a wheelchair. I was so ready to get out of the truck but I wasn't so sure I wanted to sit any longer. One thing about it, in that moment I didn't have time to get emotional about leaving Ethan...which was a good thing. I hugged and kissed him, telling him how much I loved him and told him that Gramps (which is what he calls my dad) would bring him back to see mommy and daddy and Elliott. He was so excited to get to spend time with Gramps, I dont' think he even really listened to what I was telling him. :)

Michael wheeled me through the door and I decided I wanted to walk. ((probably not my smartest decision)). We made the 25 foot jaunt to the elevators. Once the doors closed I had to get down on all fours to get through the contractions. Thankfully no one else was on the elevator with us. The doors opened on the 5th floor and the 200 foot walk to the the check in window seemed a mile away. I told Michael, walking was probably only making things worse. He said we are almost there babe...you got this. I was glad he had confidence in me...I wasn't as sure as he was. I kept thinking to myself, "Please just let me be dilated to a four so they will keep me, please don't let them send me home".

We got to the check in window and they asked "Can I help you". I responded with "I think I'm in labor". They handed me a form to fill out and before I could even write my name I had to drop to the ground again. I think the nurses and staff realized I was serious. The next thing I knew they were trying to get me up to get me back to a room. The contraction finally subsided and I was able to get up. The nurses were rushing me to a room, walking faster then I really cared to go but I couldn't wait to get into a bed and finally be able to lay down. The nurses were actually assisting me in getting my clothes off and into a gown. I barely got my 'outer' clothes off before I was having another contraction so I laid down on my side on the bed. A nurse said she was going to check me and I began begging her to wait until after the contraction. She said it was important for her to do it now and to "just relax". I almost laughed when she said it but instead I tightened up and it was literally like a tug-a-war between me trying to keep my legs together and her trying to get them apart. Needless to say she won. What she said next I was in no way prepared for...she spoke the words no person with minimal pain tolerance wants to hear..."only a rim and +2". After hearing those words the stark reality suddenly hit me. I knew exactly what that meant...no time for any kind of drug. They immediately wheeled me into a delivery room and on the way a nurse shouted out, "does anyone even know her name". Thankfully my ever so cool, calm and collected hubby was right there to answer and also advised them of who my doctor was. I could hear him behind me the whole time, saying, "I'm right here baby...you're doing great...I love you so much". I could hear his voice changing, knowing that even though I couldn't see him, there were tears welling up in his eyes.

During the trip to the delivery room I said to the nurse, "but my water hasn't broke". She said to me, "that's the only thing holding that baby in". After getting into a delivery room...of course another contraction. They wanted me onto the delivery bed and were going to wait until the contraction subsided until I spoke the dreaded words, "I think I'm shi**ing my pants". I didn't know what else to say...even though I knew I wasn't wearing any pants. lol. The nurses decided there was no time to wait so heave hove, they scooped me up and put me onto the delivery bed. By this time my hubby was on the other side waiting to greet me with a kiss on the forehead. He whispered in my ear, with tears running down his cheek and onto mine, "Baby you are doing so awesome...we are going to meet our little man very soon". Then he prayed. ((Just reliving these moments while typing this is bringing tears to my eyes)). There was so much commotion going on and I remember asking over and over, "can I please get some drugs?". [[cricket cricket]] No one would respond to me, so I knew what that meant. However I was like a broken record...anytime anyone would come near me, I had to ask again. I'm sure the nurses just loved me.

I was still on my side and the nurses were so nice to work around me and let me be in what ever position I was most comfortable in. The nurse who put my IV in was even standing behind me and some how managed to get it in without me really even realizing it...which it's not like I didn't have anything else on my mind. A male doctor soon entered the room and introduced himself and said they had paged my doctor but if I progressed before she got there he would be there to deliver Elliott. I remember thinking I wish he would stop talking so I can just ask him if I could get some drugs. I think I finally interrupted him and asked...he to gave me the silent treatment. During that split silence I thought to myself, gosh I don't even care that you are a dude. lol.

Even though I was in crazy pain everything was happening so fast...including the contractions. I was still saying I felt like I was shi**ing my pants and that I wanted to push. A nurse humored me and lifted my sheet and looked at my hubby and said, "She's not shi**ing". lol. In unison several nurses said at the same time, "if you feel you need to push, go ahead and push". It never felt so good to "push". The next thing I know I hear a very familiar voice come through the door. My doctor actually made it. She was her chipper self and clapped her hands and said, "Lets have a baby". I was so not in the mood for chipper but I was never so happy to hear her voice. Of course the first thing out of my mouth was..."I really want some drugs". Finally a nurse acknowledged me and whispered in my ear...honey it's to late...drugs aren't going to help at this point...lets get this little guy out and you won't need any drugs. Oy!! I was basically slapped in the face with reality and realized why everyone had been ignoring me all this time.

My doctor said I needed to roll over onto my back...which was the last thing I wanted to do...so the nurses assisted. Off came the end of the bed, up went my legs and the doctor broke my water. Then "Push" when you're ready, was all I heard. So pushing is what I did. My best friend, support person, life coach and husband was right there cheering for me the entire time. Every time he spoke, a sense of peace and confidence came over me. I was so worried about shi**ing everywhere it was affecting my pushing so finally I decided, phewy I don't even care anymore...if I shi* everywhere, then I guess I will just shi* everywhere. Once I let my worries go within two pushes, Michael looks down and says, "there is our sweet baby's face". The doctor said one more push and he will be here. I pushed like I had never pushed before and there before my eyes was my precious baby boy. "I did it, I did it, I did it". I couldn't believe I had actually done it. He was perfect. Hubby had his arm wrapped around Elliott and myself and we all just cried. Within minutes of him being placed on my chest, time almost seemed to stop and I wanted to soak up every second of that moment. I was in a state of shock and complete euphoria. Everything couldn't have gone better.

I'm not going to lie...after he was born and the doctor "finishing up" was by far the worse part. The actual delivery was no where near as bad as I would have thought it was going to be. On that note, it would not be something I would want to experience again...the all natural thing that is. I prefer the relaxed setting and getting to enjoy the process. From the time we arrived to the hospital till the time he was born, was less then 25 minutes. I had prayed to God throughout my pregnancy, that I wanted to be more present in the delivery and for Him to grant me peace and strength to do so. Boy did He ever answer that prayer. ;) I should have specified exactly what I meant by 'more present'. lol.

Elliott was having a hard time keeping his temperature up so I got lots of skin to skin time before they scooped him up to take him to nursery. During our 'recovery' time we started calling and texting everyone to let them know our sweet baby boy was here and healthy. It was nice to finally see the faces and learn the names of the staff who were a part of our wild and crazy journey. The staff at Mercy Hospital were amazing!!

He was born at 10:49 AM on Saturday, 2.23.13. Weighing 6 pounds 11 ounces and 20 inches.

Minutes old

My perfect family