I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs in my life but one thing remains the same…my faith. I may not always understand why I’m experiencing a certain situation, but I always now that God is with me through it.
After trying to conceive for five unsuccessful months when we got our faint positive, I wanted to shout it from the mountain tops…yet there was reluctance in my excitement, one that I couldn’t ever quite understand or explain. Even though there was the uncertainty I just had to tell my biggest support team. My husband has always been the ‘voice of reason’ and lives life a little more cautiously than I do, so when he said he was going to wait for the ‘lines to get darker’ I was not surprised. He understood I needed people, other than him, as a support team for my own mental health.
Back in November, I had purchased a shirt for our son to wear to ‘announce the news’ and when some friends decided to make a last minute visit, this posed to be the perfect opportunity to put the shirt to use. I can’t put into words the joy and pride I felt seein’ my lil guy strutting around in his “big brother” shirt.
I am a control freak and obsess over just about everything, so even though I had gotten my BFP (big fat positive…aka…two lines) I still continued to temp every morning. [As a quick lesson…progesterone controls the time from ovulation till you get your period, progesterone also causes your temperature to rise. So once you are pregnant, the temps should stay elevated, even though it’s normal for them to be erratic.] The third day after our BFP my temperature dropped dramatically, so I had to test again and ‘the line’ was lighter than it had been. My heart sank and I just felt in my gut there was reason for concern. I tried to put on a brave face because we had company and the ‘show must go on’. I prayed to God for peace in my heart and to know that what will be, will be. The next day, another large temperature drop and an even lighter positive test, so for my own sanity (and everyone else’s) I had to call my doctor’s office. I spoke with the nurse who didn’t have a clue and I ended up explaining the ‘ways of charting’ to her. She got me to laugh, so it wasn’t a complete waste, I guess.
Then rock bottom came on Monday, with another temp drop, I didn’t even bother testing. I knew I was going to miscarry. I tried to deal with it alone and not show my sorrow and sadness with my husband. I needed him more then ever but felt like such a failure that I was too embarrassed to even look him in the eye. I couldn’t ‘hide’ it long…he knew…and we cried…arm in arm…right where I needed to be. He knew exactly what to say and what not to say. He had said it so many times and I never really took it to heart but when he looked at me and said, “We will get through it together”, I had a blanket of peace come over me. For I knew with the love and support of my husband and the grace of God, I would be a stronger and better person. It didn’t change the hurt but it made it okay to hurt.
After a trip to the doctor’s office, which confirmed I was pregnant and not crazy, I felt better with a game plan and precautions that would be made next time. [There were already concerns of a progesterone deficiency]. I cried and cried and still cry today but hearing and reading a few things have really helped me through this part of my journey. A month ago, Michelle Duggar miscarried her baby girl at 19 weeks yet in the midst of her sadness and pain she says in a letter to her daughter, “What a blessing to know you are in the arms of Jesus and it was His face that you saw first”. I would have never thought in just a few short weeks, those words would bring comfort to me and my own experience. I don’t know how those who don’t believe get through the struggles and tribulations of life without God by their side and in their heart. Then I read the book, Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo. In the book, it is learned that his wife miscarried a baby at 8 weeks, yet their son explains to them that ‘he has a sister in heaven and that she is waiting for them to get there and give her a name.’ Phew…did that set me back and bring on the tears. There are many reasons why I look forward to the day when I get see my Savior’s face but oh the joy to know I will finally get to meet my precious angel and hold him/her in my arms.
Its moments and thoughts like those mentioned above that bring me closer to my Heavenly Father. I still ask Him, ‘why’ on a daily basis but I am patient in knowing He will answer my question in His time. In the meantime, we will ‘get back on the horse’ and continue our journey in expanding our family and trust in Him.
No comments:
Post a Comment