Anxiety Builds...

It's been awhile since my last post but I've been trying to keep myself busy. I've tried not to think to much about all the details of the TTC journey; the timing, the symptoms, the 'what ifs'; the meds; the temps; the tests; etc. I've done fairly well. ::pats self on back:: So, instead I've been spending time organizing this and that around the house; playing outside in the beautiful weather with my lil man; being more compassionate with my best friend/hubby, and really putting into perspective the things that are important to me. Not to mention being so thankful for all the wonderful blessings I've been given.

My organization led me to Ethan's room and sorting through clothes that no longer fit or are now out of season. As I was going through his closet I came across a few 'big brother' items I have already purchased for him, but had tucked away. I just sat in the middle of his room, crying and loosing all control. I had done so good and then BOOM my mind was going crazy. What if this is our month; what fun way would we tell everyone; analyzing every symptom I've been having but brushing off; how I would explain to Ethan that he would be a big brother; what would we do with all the stuff in the spare bedroom. So much excitement came flooding over me. The anxiety soon took over my body. I'm handling this month so differently then the previous, but I guess when you have your heart broken for 7 months in a row you get use to the let down. As always, I am hopeful and cautiously optimistic but I'm also reminding myself that this too could be like 6 of the past 7 months. I've come to terms with that and know if not today, then someday...that's what faith is all about.

Now that I've allowed myself to acknowledge the symptoms I've been having, I'm anxious for the weekend. Between our outstanding timing, amazingly good CM (which mind you was all natural...I didn't take anything for it. YAHOO!! You may remember I stated in my last entry that I purchased the pre-seed...well it was delivered the day after I ovulated so it didn't do any good this month.) and positive symptoms that include crazy sore boobies, random cramping off and on since 'O' and extreme exhaustion...my hopes are extra high this month. :) Only time will tell...


Here is a song that we sang at church on Sunday and it really hit home with me. Enjoy!