We are now eight months into this journey and the helplessness is really setting in. I have the "WHY" conversation with God on a daily basis. I just don't understand. It's nearly impossible to not feel like a failure. I can slowly feel the depression creeping in. I know we are doing everything we can possibly do, but it doesn't make it any easier.
This month I have been much more laid back in the fact of telling my self it's ok to just let go for a few days. So, today was the first time in a week that I have taken my temp. It was never really that much of a bother but we were away from home for a few days and I didn't want to have to worry about stressing if the change in schedule or sleeping arrangements were affecting my temps. Yet, today they seemed higher then normal and I've had weird twinges going on and I'm mentally obsessed with 'why'. I also haven't taken all the supplements to help with CM. I will begin taking the "Fertile CM" supplement tonight, because it helps with preparing the uterine lining. Instead, I ordered preseed, so we shall see if it's worth the darn $20 it cost.
Today was mine and my amazing husband's 3rd anniversary. Our relationship didn't start out easy either...it was kinda complicated. Hubby is still on vacation and we had nothing planned today, which I couldn't have thought of a better way to spend the day. Even though Ethan rolled into the wall at 5 am and bumped his head causing him to wake up, I didn't mind. Was I ready to get up at 5 am...umm no...but it was great to have him laying next to me on the couch, slowly drifting off back to sleep. I have already been given the greatest gift ever and even though on this journey I have bad days I still know it's worth it. It's worth all the frustration, it's worth all the tears, it's worth all the "practice", it's worth all hopes and dreams. No matter how long my journey, it will all be worth it. I can't wait to someday be blessed with another child and be able to look into their eyes and tell them..."You were worth it all"!!
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