Hopeful...

Wow…it’s been a bit since my last entry. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy with enjoying the beautiful weather, crafts and photography. It has obviously worked. J

I had my progesterone level checked on Tuesday, March 27^th and it came back at a level of 15.9. I originally was very disappointed in the number since last month it was 17.8 but after doing more research, I know it doesn’t mean anything. Basically the 7 DPO progesterone check is just to verify if ovulation has occurred. Well, since I’m temping and have ovulation pain…I know ovulation is occurring. As far as the number goes…anything over 9 (for an unmedicated cycle) shows “good ovulation”. Since that’s all it is really showing, this will be my last progesterone check at 7 DPO.

Today I am 11 DPO and hopeful. Other then when I was pregnant, the longest my LP has been is 10 days so I’m keeping my fingers crossed.  My “symptoms” are some what parallel to last month but I’m trying not to read too much into them. I’ve really just had; cramping, heartburn and excessive CM. The main difference between last month and this month is I’m not as tired. But who knows what my cycle is going to do this month.

I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it, if I am pregnant and I can’t get the doctor on call to call me in the progesterone supplement and makes me wait till Monday. I learned after last month, one day can make a difference. I’m still kicking myself for not having my levels checked after getting our positive (like the doctor asked me if I wanted). I can’t help but feel that had I had it done, then maybe we would have known there was an issue and it could have had a different outcome. Thinking like that can drive a person crazy but since the hurt is still fresh, I battle those thoughts on a regular basis, though they are getting fewer and fewer every day.

I’m hoping this April Fools day brings ‘no jokes’.

**VENT ALERT**

Why oh why do I torcher myself and watch things like, oh I don't know...A baby story!!! Obviously during a normal part of my life I handle the episodes ok...but when ttc, pg or pp, it is not the best way to past the time.  I watched the episode today and bawled...full on sobbing.  Ethan came up to me, gave me a hug, looked at me and went "Wahhhh...ok, mommy?" and then gave me a big ole kiss. Then all I could do was hold him and thank God for him with tears running down my cheek.

Ok...time to put my big girl panties back on and face the rest of the day.

And we wait...

Well, whatta ya know?? Ovulation came about when expected. YAY!! It was two days later this month than last month but within a day of the normal time that it has occurred in 4 of the past 6 months.  I called my doctor and have scheduled my 7 DPO (days past ovulation) progesterone blood work. I’m curious to see where it will be at compared to last month.

I’m slightly disappointed because I did not have the same great results with the Mucinex this month. I never got the EWCF (Warning…possible TMI…EWCF = egg white cervical fluid) that I got last month. EWCF is the most ‘sperm friendly’ CF. I was really hoping to have the same results this month, since I hadn’t had EGCF since we started trying until I started taking the Mucinex last month. I can’t help but think that made all the difference last month…without the obvious, hand from God. I’d love nothing more then for Him to prove me wrong.

I’m going to have to do a lot to keep my mind busy these next 10-12 days. It would be an absolute miracle, but would love to be able to test and get a positive test by next Thursday, 3/29. It would make that day a little less painful, as it was to be the day that we had our first ultrasound. And of the fun it would be to tell family, “Surprise, we’re pregnant” on April fool’s day.

My mind goes into over load with thinking of stuff like that. I know I just set myself up for disappointment but it gives me exciting fun things to think about during the dreadful ‘two week wait’, which is the time between ovulation and when it’s possible to get a positive home pregnancy test.

I will go ahead and admit it now…by this time next week I will become a ‘pee on a stick addict’. LOL! I bought the cheap pregnancy test off Amazon so my hubby doesn’t mind when I test super early, since it doesn’t hurt the pocket book as bad. When I say cheap…I really mean cheap...like 25 tests for just over $8 (Click here to buy). They are super sensitive, some say even more so then the test used at a doctors office.

Well, in the meantime, I will stay positive, drink plenty of fluids and pray like crazy!

Bittersweet...

I got the call today, that I had been waiting for since Monday…the results from my blood work, showing my levels back to normal and at zero. We needed this news and I’m happy my body did what it needed to do but at the same time, there’s a sense of sorrow in my heart.

I’m anxious to see if my body will get right back on track. Since I am less then a week away from when I am expecting to ovulate, I shall know soon enough. I’m trying not to get my hopes up about this cycle but it’s not working very well. Of course I had my hopes up every cycle for the past 6 months. At the same time, it’s that hope that keeps me going.

I can’t help but feel like now is the right time for us. I just have this sense of peace and feel like God will soon answer our prayers.

Missed my smile...

I can’t believe it’s the middle of March and its 83°. When the weather is this nice and my hubby has the day off, it’s hard not to smile.

Something changed in me today. It’s hard to explain but I’ve laughed and smiled like I haven’t done in a few weeks…and it feels really good. My heart is happy and having my family together just hanging out and playing together almost brings me to tears just thinking about it.

The homemade 3 musketeers that I had planned on making last night didn’t happen till today. And let me just say…the recipe is super easy but they taste nothing like a 3 musketeer. It’s closer to tasting like chocolate mousse dipped in chocolate. Definitely not something I will make again. If you do like candy though and are on Pinterest…the homemade Butterfinger and homemade Reese’s peanut butter egg recipes are very yummy!!

Off to soak up what’s left of the sun…

Back to square one...

This past week has been one of the longest weeks I’ve had in the last six months. I had to wait until today to have blood work done, to check and make sure my levels are back to zero. I’m sure they were days ago but the doctor wanted to give my body plenty of time to do what it needed to do and make sure nothing was missed. For the past week I’ve been mentally preparing for this day as I feel it will bring closure to this leg of our journey. 

Yet, as I sat listening to my little guy read me some books, which is one of the most precious things to hear, I could feel anxiety building up inside me. With my hubby at work, I am dreading the thought of being alone, now that Ethan is in bed. There’s plenty of stuff to do around the house but tonight I would just really rather be sitting next to Papa Bear (the nickname I gave my husband shortly after Ethan was born) on the couch with his arms wrapped around me. 

So instead, I will watch the bachelor finale and then go make some homemade 3 musketeers mini candy bars and have some one on one time with God.  I’ve got plenty to thank Him for!

Spring forward...

Well, today is the start of Daylight Saving Time.  As painful as losing an hour of sleep is, today marks an important day in our journey.  But, before I get into that, I want to share how my night went of losing that precious hour.

My sister had a hysterectomy on Wednesday, March 7^th due to endometriosis. The doctor was able to save her ovaries but had to remove her appendix and a portion of her small bowel because of the disease. Amazingly she was able to go home the next day. She was having a rough day yesterday so, since my hubby got called into work early, Ethan and I decided to hop in the truck and go see her.  When our kids get together, we can’t help but laugh so I’m not sure if that was helping or hurting my sister, but we enjoyed our visit regardless. It’s really hard to leave but we had to make the 1.5 hour drive back home before it got too late, especially since we were going to lose that hour of sleep and couldn’t sleep in since we had church the next morning.

Ethan is much like his momma, in the fact that if it’s dark outside it usually doesn’t take him long to fall asleep in the vehicle. I turned on a DVD and figured since it was already almost 2 hours past his bedtime that he would be asleep in no time. NOPE…not tonight!! He never did go to sleep the whole way home and when we did get home, he was raring to go. So now it’s 3 hours past his bedtime and times a tickin’. We read stories, said prayers and amazingly he went to bed without a fuss. In fact, I never heard a peep out of him.

I stayed up late till my hubby made it home from work, because a fellow officer had been shot in another county and I couldn’t go to sleep without holding him in my arms first. So we finally got to bed about 2…which was really 3 now. Then at 4:30, Ethan was awake crying and once I heard his feet hit the floor I knew I had to get out of bed and go see what the problem was.  A leaky diaper…ugh! After a quick change I laid next to him waiting for him to go back to sleep but instead he was fighting his sleep. I got up even though I knew he was going to get upset and left the room anyway. As I stood at his door listening to his cries, I thought to myself, “maybe just maybe if I explain to him that it’s still night-night time and that momma was gonna go night-night in her bed” that he would understand. So that’s just what I did…went back in, said prayers again and then said to him that I loved him and was gonna go night-night in my bed but would see him in the morning. I walked out and he barely made a sound, and it was only for less than a minute until he was quite as a mouse. Ahhh…back to bed. Then the alarm goes off and it’s time to start the day. Off to church, home for lunch and then to our amazement, we all took a 2 hour nap.

Ok, back to business…lol! Last cycle I took Mucinex from chart day 7 till ovulation and what a difference it made. So today marked chart day 7 of this cycle, so we decided to go with what worked last time and pray for the same results, with the exception of it being our take home baby. I’m so excited about this cycle but scared at the same time.

Regardless, days are getting longer and spring is right around the corner.

Sadness into hope...

I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs in my life but one thing remains the same…my faith. I may not always understand why I’m experiencing a certain situation, but I always now that God is with me through it.

After trying to conceive for five unsuccessful months when we got our faint positive, I wanted to shout it from the mountain tops…yet there was reluctance in my excitement, one that I couldn’t ever quite understand or explain. Even though there was the uncertainty I just had to tell my biggest support team. My husband has always been the ‘voice of reason’ and lives life a little more cautiously than I do, so when he said he was going to wait for the ‘lines to get darker’ I was not surprised. He understood I needed people, other than him, as a support team for my own mental health.

Back in November, I had purchased a shirt for our son to wear to ‘announce the news’ and when some friends decided to make a last minute visit, this posed to be the perfect opportunity to put the shirt to use. I can’t put into words the joy and pride I felt seein’ my lil guy strutting around in his “big brother” shirt.

I am a control freak and obsess over just about everything, so even though I had gotten my BFP (big fat positive…aka…two lines) I still continued to temp every morning. [As a quick lesson…progesterone controls the time from ovulation till you get your period, progesterone also causes your temperature to rise. So once you are pregnant, the temps should stay elevated, even though it’s normal for them to be erratic.]  The third day after our BFP my temperature dropped dramatically, so I had to test again and ‘the line’ was lighter than it had been. My heart sank and I just felt in my gut there was reason for concern. I tried to put on a brave face because we had company and the ‘show must go on’. I prayed to God for peace in my heart and to know that what will be, will be.  The next day, another large temperature drop and an even lighter positive test, so for my own sanity (and everyone else’s) I had to call my doctor’s office. I spoke with the nurse who didn’t have a clue and I ended up explaining the ‘ways of charting’ to her. She got me to laugh, so it wasn’t a complete waste, I guess.

Then rock bottom came on Monday, with another temp drop, I didn’t even bother testing. I knew I was going to miscarry. I tried to deal with it alone and not show my sorrow and sadness with my husband. I needed him more then ever but felt like such a failure that I was too embarrassed to even look him in the eye. I couldn’t ‘hide’ it long…he knew…and we cried…arm in arm…right where I needed to be. He knew exactly what to say and what not to say. He had said it so many times and I never really took it to heart but when he looked at me and said, “We will get through it together”, I had a blanket of peace come over me. For I knew with the love and support of my husband and the grace of God, I would be a stronger and better person. It didn’t change the hurt but it made it okay to hurt.

After a trip to the doctor’s office, which confirmed I was pregnant and not crazy, I felt better with a game plan and precautions that would be made next time. [There were already concerns of a progesterone deficiency]. I cried and cried and still cry today but hearing and reading a few things have really helped me through this part of my journey. A month ago, Michelle Duggar miscarried her baby girl at 19 weeks yet in the midst of her sadness and pain she says in a letter to her daughter, “What a blessing to know you are in the arms of Jesus and it was His face that you saw first”. I would have never thought in just a few short weeks, those words would bring comfort to me and my own experience. I don’t know how those who don’t believe get through the struggles and tribulations of life without God by their side and in their heart. Then I read the book, Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo. In the book, it is learned that his wife miscarried a baby at 8 weeks, yet their son explains to them that ‘he has a sister in heaven and that she is waiting for them to get there and give her a name.’ Phew…did that set me back and bring on the tears.  There are many reasons why I look forward to the day when I get see my Savior’s face but oh the joy to know I will finally get to meet my precious angel and hold him/her in my arms.

Its moments and thoughts like those mentioned above that bring me closer to my Heavenly Father. I still ask Him, ‘why’ on a daily basis but I am patient in knowing He will answer my question in His time. In the meantime, we will ‘get back on the horse’ and continue our journey in expanding our family and trust in Him.

Today is a new day...

I should have started this blog back in October 2011 when the journey of expanding our family began. I could have never imagined it would be such a journey. So after the miscarriage of our precious little angel this month, I decided that blogging would be a healthy way for me to deal with the ups and downs of trusting God's timing.

For those who follow this blog but don't know me here's the 'cliff notes' version: I married my amazing husband in May 2009 and we found out we were pregnant with our son on June 21, 2009. Our little man made his entrance 2 weeks early, on February 20, 2010. I am blessed to be able to stay home with him and dabble in my other passion, photography.

I love my life and am so excited to share my love with another child.