Time is flying...

Wow 4 months already. :( I can't wait to hold our precious baby in my arms but since this will be my last pregnancy I'm sad that it's going by so fast. I love being pregnant, even on the bad days. I love doing what my body was meant to do.

I have been feeling great, other then the never ending pain in my back. After having a massage and it not helping I went to the chiropractor. It wasn't until then that I realized that there was a cause of concern for my pain. I was shocked when the chiro informed me the pain was due to the fact that my right scapula (aka shoulder blade) was turned outward, causing it to stick out almost and inch farther then my left. How does that happen?? I know your body adjust, muscles relax, tendons stretch all while pregnant but what in the world causes this. Thankfully I know a PT and she recommended getting a referral from my doctor to be treated. After discussing the situation with my OB and explaining the different things I had already tried, she agreed PT was definitely the next step. She was not happy that I didn't call her earlier to talk with her about it and explained that some things don't need to wait for my appointment. Oops...lesson learned. lol. I'm looking forward to starting treatment next week and finally getting some relief.

Also during our appointment we scheduled our "big" ultrasound, where we get to see our sweet 'baby boo' for 45 minutes, and hopefully find out if we are expecting a girl or a boy. Since we drive over an hour to our appointments I was begging to be able to have both (the ultrasound and our 20 week appointment) done on the same day. They must really love me, because they made it happen. ;) So we get to have our ultrasound done first thing in the morning. Which is super exciting because we had to wait till 3:00 in the afternoon to find out with Ethan. That was like the longest day ever. lol. The clinic doesn't allow minor children to be there so we are thinking of some fun ways to tell Ethan and then some exciting things to do that day as well.

I finally knew without a doubt on Sunday (exactly 16 weeks) that I was feeling quickening. I had wondered for a few days but was 100% certain on Sunday. I'm so excited for this phase and looking forward to seeing my hubby's face when he feels it for the first time. When the nurse was listening to the HB on the Doppler at our appointment, baby was going crazy. I love it!!

I'm slowly getting Ethan's "Big Brother" hospital bag filled with all his goodies. He's gonna make out like a bandit...with Christmas in December, his birthday in February and then his hospital bag in late February/early March. Now to start working on Daddy's bag...squee...this is so much fun!!

Some days I get very over whelmed and stressed thinking of all sorts of different things. When I get down and feel like I'm loosing control I'm reminded of a hymn my Papa Shuler use to sing to me when I was a kid. This is a more modern version of the old hymn I grew up on but I enjoy the contemporary twist. Enjoy!

Anxiety Building...

As each day passes I'm flooded with an array of emotions. First and foremost, excitement. Not one day has gone by where excitement hasn't described a part of me. I'm almost giddy at thinking about all the fun things yet to come. Yet, that excitement is dampened by fear and anxiety. Fear of the things I can't control. How early could I be this time? How will I handle it if my water breaks at home? (It wasn't until my water was broke last time that I was in tremendous pain.) How would I deal with that pain during the hour drive to the hospital? How soon would we be able to leave if it happened over night (like it did with Ethan)? How would Ethan react if he woke up and we weren't home? What would I do if it happens when my husband is working and on a call and can't get home or even answer his phone to know what's going on?

Then there's the anxiety of being in the hospital, away from Ethan. How do I make it possible to keep our promise as parents that one of us would always be home to do bedtime routine and tuck him in. I can't imagine my husband driving an hour one way to come home to do the routine and then return to the hospital, another hour drive, to be with me and the baby. I don't want to be at the hospital without him but our promise to Ethan is so much more important then that. Do we just have him at the hospital till bedtime and brush his teeth, read stories, say prayers and then have my mom bring him home and put him to bed? The hospital will allow him to stay over night with us but I don't think that's fair to him. There would be no way he would get good sleep. I want him to be at the hospital as much as possible and I know that's unreasonable for a what will be 3 year old. I know it's selfish to want him up there the whole time but I want us to be a family and for him to feel included from the beginning.

I thought this pregnancy would have less anxiety then the first but I was wrong. It's a whole new level of anxiety. I thought it would be easier since we don't have to move - twice. Yet instead I find myself worrying over silly things like: Should we be buying more diapers then we are...Nursery colors...my clothes don't fit...am I doing enough to prepare Ethan. I know it's doing no good and there's the saying, "Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere". Easier said then done.

Then as if all those emotions weren't enough I'm dealing with sadness. Sadness because this will be my last pregnancy. I know in my heart that I don't want more then 2 kids but there's a sadness in the fact that this is it. I love being pregnant. The highs and lows are so worth it. We have discussed the ways we will prevent pregnancy, without taking birth control for the rest of my fertile days. Even though I'm in agreeance I'm scared because, what if God forbid, something happen to either of my kids. What if we would want another? I know it's not permanent but it feels that way...especially with all the struggles we had with getting pregnant this time. How impossible would it be then?

I've spent lots of time praying with God and I know He will take care of everything and it will work out just as it's supposed to. I ask that you pray for me...for peace. Thank you!!