As each day passes I'm flooded with an array of emotions. First and foremost, excitement. Not one day has gone by where excitement hasn't described a part of me. I'm almost giddy at thinking about all the fun things yet to come. Yet, that excitement is dampened by fear and anxiety. Fear of the things I can't control. How early could I be this time? How will I handle it if my water breaks at home? (It wasn't until my water was broke last time that I was in tremendous pain.) How would I deal with that pain during the hour drive to the hospital? How soon would we be able to leave if it happened over night (like it did with Ethan)? How would Ethan react if he woke up and we weren't home? What would I do if it happens when my husband is working and on a call and can't get home or even answer his phone to know what's going on?
Then there's the anxiety of being in the hospital, away from Ethan. How do I make it possible to keep our promise as parents that one of us would always be home to do bedtime routine and tuck him in. I can't imagine my husband driving an hour one way to come home to do the routine and then return to the hospital, another hour drive, to be with me and the baby. I don't want to be at the hospital without him but our promise to Ethan is so much more important then that. Do we just have him at the hospital till bedtime and brush his teeth, read stories, say prayers and then have my mom bring him home and put him to bed? The hospital will allow him to stay over night with us but I don't think that's fair to him. There would be no way he would get good sleep. I want him to be at the hospital as much as possible and I know that's unreasonable for a what will be 3 year old. I know it's selfish to want him up there the whole time but I want us to be a family and for him to feel included from the beginning.
I thought this pregnancy would have less anxiety then the first but I was wrong. It's a whole new level of anxiety. I thought it would be easier since we don't have to move - twice. Yet instead I find myself worrying over silly things like: Should we be buying more diapers then we are...Nursery colors...my clothes don't fit...am I doing enough to prepare Ethan. I know it's doing no good and there's the saying, "Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere". Easier said then done.
Then as if all those emotions weren't enough I'm dealing with sadness. Sadness because this will be my last pregnancy. I know in my heart that I don't want more then 2 kids but there's a sadness in the fact that this is it. I love being pregnant. The highs and lows are so worth it. We have discussed the ways we will prevent pregnancy, without taking birth control for the rest of my fertile days. Even though I'm in agreeance I'm scared because, what if God forbid, something happen to either of my kids. What if we would want another? I know it's not permanent but it feels that way...especially with all the struggles we had with getting pregnant this time. How impossible would it be then?
I've spent lots of time praying with God and I know He will take care of everything and it will work out just as it's supposed to. I ask that you pray for me...for peace. Thank you!!
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