Onward...Forward...

Even though April was our 7th month TTC it was the farthest thing from "lucky #7".  In fact, it was one of the worse months I've endured in several years. The fact that we weren't successful this month is minimal in the scheme of things. By the end of April, my wish was not to get to be a mom again, rather to just be the best mom I could be to my amazing little boy.

After being blessed for the first two years of his life with such a healthy baby when one thing after another goes bad it's like having the rug pulled out right from underneath ya. Not being able to make the pain go away is one of the most helpless feelings in the world. My priority prayer request has become the health of my son. My focus, now more then ever, is him.

May is always a month that I look forward to. Not only is Spring usually here for sure by May but it's a month of new beginnings. This year, the month of May brings me to my 3 year anniversary of being married to my best friend. May also brings Mother's Day...which is by far my most treasured holiday.

I will continue to pray to God for Him to bless us with another child and know that in His time, He will answer our prayer. I pray that He guides me to be the best mom I can be. And that He protects me and my family through everything we encounter. I am so thankful for everything He has already blessed me with.

A friend of mine shared this poem with me and it couldn't be more true.

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Can't wait for the weekend...

Phew, the past week or so has been super busy. I had a week's worth of "two lines" on the OPKs but didn't get a positive until CD17. There is just something great about getting two lines and knowing your body is doing what it is supposed to do. As with most previous months, our timing was great. Things were a tad hectic but we rolled with the punches.

We enrolled Ethan in to swimming lessons, that began last week but he started having random back pain so after being in and out of the doctors office for two days, we decided maybe we will wait till later and re-enroll him. We still aren't 100% sure what was/is causing the pain but he's not screaming because of it, so we are relieved for that.

My adorable husband turned the big 3-0 last week. Even though we spent over 3 hours in the doctors office on his birthday we were able to make it to his surprise birthday party. Which was the perfect way to end a fairly stressful day. Definitely a birthday he will not soon forget.

Our anniversary is next month...getting pregnant would be the best anniversary gift ever!! I'm 5DPO today so we should know by the end of the month...or possibly by the end of the week. Thankfully I have a lot going on to keep my mind busy and preoccupied.

Today life is great and for that I am thankful!!

Changes...

Today is CD9 and already so many good things have happened.  The most exciting news is the fact that our house that has been on the market for 2.5 years is now under contract. WOO HOO!! What a relief and answered prayer this has been. It will be like getting a job, with only having one mortgage to have to pay. Even though it hasn't always been easy and money has been tight, God has always provided.  What an awesome God we serve!

The other change this month is, I decided to use ovulation predictor kits (OPK). I really hadn't wanted to add this to my daily routine, since I've been charting but at this point it's the only thing we haven't tried. So, I figured, what the heck.

Here is a picture of what every day entails for me now:

I started the OPK today. Even though there were two lines, yet still negative, there's something that just lifts your spirits to see two lines. I was actually surprised to see two lines already, since I'm only at CD9. I took one at 1:30 and one at 6:00, since I've read you should take them twice a day to make sure you catch your 'surge'. Unexpectedly the one at 6:00 is already darker. Hmm...wonder if I'm going to ovulate earlier this month?

CD1

Today starts the first day of  a new cycle...cycle #7, to be exact. I kinda expected to have this result but was hopeful we would get lucky two months in a row.

On a positive note...last month was my first cycle in 6 months to be back at the normal (for me) 28 day cycle. Plus having a 12 day LP is a great sign. I'm going to look at the last cycle as my 'reset' cycle. :)

On to the next month and all the fun and adventure it will bring.

Hopeful...

Wow…it’s been a bit since my last entry. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy with enjoying the beautiful weather, crafts and photography. It has obviously worked. J

I had my progesterone level checked on Tuesday, March 27^th and it came back at a level of 15.9. I originally was very disappointed in the number since last month it was 17.8 but after doing more research, I know it doesn’t mean anything. Basically the 7 DPO progesterone check is just to verify if ovulation has occurred. Well, since I’m temping and have ovulation pain…I know ovulation is occurring. As far as the number goes…anything over 9 (for an unmedicated cycle) shows “good ovulation”. Since that’s all it is really showing, this will be my last progesterone check at 7 DPO.

Today I am 11 DPO and hopeful. Other then when I was pregnant, the longest my LP has been is 10 days so I’m keeping my fingers crossed.  My “symptoms” are some what parallel to last month but I’m trying not to read too much into them. I’ve really just had; cramping, heartburn and excessive CM. The main difference between last month and this month is I’m not as tired. But who knows what my cycle is going to do this month.

I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it, if I am pregnant and I can’t get the doctor on call to call me in the progesterone supplement and makes me wait till Monday. I learned after last month, one day can make a difference. I’m still kicking myself for not having my levels checked after getting our positive (like the doctor asked me if I wanted). I can’t help but feel that had I had it done, then maybe we would have known there was an issue and it could have had a different outcome. Thinking like that can drive a person crazy but since the hurt is still fresh, I battle those thoughts on a regular basis, though they are getting fewer and fewer every day.

I’m hoping this April Fools day brings ‘no jokes’.

**VENT ALERT**

Why oh why do I torcher myself and watch things like, oh I don't know...A baby story!!! Obviously during a normal part of my life I handle the episodes ok...but when ttc, pg or pp, it is not the best way to past the time.  I watched the episode today and bawled...full on sobbing.  Ethan came up to me, gave me a hug, looked at me and went "Wahhhh...ok, mommy?" and then gave me a big ole kiss. Then all I could do was hold him and thank God for him with tears running down my cheek.

Ok...time to put my big girl panties back on and face the rest of the day.

And we wait...

Well, whatta ya know?? Ovulation came about when expected. YAY!! It was two days later this month than last month but within a day of the normal time that it has occurred in 4 of the past 6 months.  I called my doctor and have scheduled my 7 DPO (days past ovulation) progesterone blood work. I’m curious to see where it will be at compared to last month.

I’m slightly disappointed because I did not have the same great results with the Mucinex this month. I never got the EWCF (Warning…possible TMI…EWCF = egg white cervical fluid) that I got last month. EWCF is the most ‘sperm friendly’ CF. I was really hoping to have the same results this month, since I hadn’t had EGCF since we started trying until I started taking the Mucinex last month. I can’t help but think that made all the difference last month…without the obvious, hand from God. I’d love nothing more then for Him to prove me wrong.

I’m going to have to do a lot to keep my mind busy these next 10-12 days. It would be an absolute miracle, but would love to be able to test and get a positive test by next Thursday, 3/29. It would make that day a little less painful, as it was to be the day that we had our first ultrasound. And of the fun it would be to tell family, “Surprise, we’re pregnant” on April fool’s day.

My mind goes into over load with thinking of stuff like that. I know I just set myself up for disappointment but it gives me exciting fun things to think about during the dreadful ‘two week wait’, which is the time between ovulation and when it’s possible to get a positive home pregnancy test.

I will go ahead and admit it now…by this time next week I will become a ‘pee on a stick addict’. LOL! I bought the cheap pregnancy test off Amazon so my hubby doesn’t mind when I test super early, since it doesn’t hurt the pocket book as bad. When I say cheap…I really mean cheap...like 25 tests for just over $8 (Click here to buy). They are super sensitive, some say even more so then the test used at a doctors office.

Well, in the meantime, I will stay positive, drink plenty of fluids and pray like crazy!