This cycle as been so off from my normal cycles. Between my temps being higher then normal and my ovulation day being in question I didn't even know what to think of this cycle.
I tried not to put to much thought into this cycle, for other reasons as well. When we got pregnant with Ethan it was during the month of May. So many thoughts have been going through my head...wouldn't it be cool if..., oh, what if...I wonder if..., etc. I took an HPT on Father's Day, June 21st in 2009 and got a positive and was really hoping to be able to do that again, but that wasn't going to happen because Father's Day was early this year. So I began to 'get real' with myself.
I was convinced I wasn't going to have any symptoms this month. Even if I had some, I wasn't going to pay any attention to them. On CD22...holy sore boobs!!! I didn't even want my husband to look at them, let alone touch them. This has been the case since. Yesterday I took a HPT and of course it was negative. Then last night a massive vein appears on my left boob and I think to myself, "where the hell did that come from". So this morning...June 21st (CD26) I took another HPT and it was a super faint positive. Did you catch that...A BFP!!!! I began to get excited but I'm trying to remain realistic. So 1.5 hours later I couldn't resist and had to take another test. This time I took a different HPT and just for fun, did an OPK too. ::picture cartoon character eyes popping out of a head, with a Ford Model T horn honking:: Both very positive.
Ok, that sealed the deal for me. I put a call into my OB to see what the game plan should be, but wanted to make sure they kept our appointment on July 2nd, in case something happened between now and then. The nurse returned my call in less then 15 min and informed me my Dr wanted me to come in for a beta check today and then again on Monday to make sure my 'levels' were increasing. So, since no one who lives close to us knows of our 'trying' and my hubby was working, I didn't have a choice but to take Ethan with me to have my blood drawn. He did so good so afterwards we went to eat lunch with Dada. The nurse suspected she would have the results within 4 hours and she would let me know the results as soon as she had them. I'm not expecting her to call today but looking forward to her call in the morning.
Until then, we celebrate this little life and pray for a healthy happy 9 months!!!
P.S. My EDD is 3.3.13...and for the record Ethan's EDD was 3.3.10 ~ CRAZY!!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
What the...
Just when I think I've got something figured out...WHAM...curve ball. Ugh!!
This cycle has been very different then the past eight. My temps have been high, for me, and I'm so confused as to why. I mentioned something to my hubby a week ago about it but figured they would come down the closer to 'O' time. NOPE...of course not...that would be to easy. For what ever reason I started testing with my OPKs on CD9. I don't know why I started testing so early, I guess I just had this urge to pee on something...lol. CD14 finally arrives and I pee on one OPK just before lunch...it's almost positive but not quite. Then I peed on my evening one at 7ish and it is definitely a positive...woo hoo!! On CD15 both tests were positive and I had cramping (on my left side...like always). I was sure it was 'O' day. So CD16 comes and my morning test is darker then I expected but not really a positive and by the evening test it's for sure a negative. Wham bam thank you ma'am...our timing couldn't have been better...but that's not really any different then the past 9 months.
Then CD17 arrives and a huge temp drop...what the??? That has never happened and doesn't make any sense. I think to myself, well the A/C wasn't on, the windows weren't open and I was sleeping in the same thing I had been for several days. ((I try to change as little as possible about my environment when 'O' day is approaching.)) Sure I probably slept with my mouth open...but that is definitely something that I do every night. So I figured...maybe it's because I only got 4.5 hours of sleep, the night before. Even though I know, less sleeps equals higher temps, it was the only thing that was different and out of the ordinary.
So today, CD18...an increase in my temps but not even back up to where they were. So tonight I decided to pee on another stick (I just ordered more that will be here Monday anyway so what could it hurt). It wasn't quite positive but it looked exactly like the morning test did on CD14. So I logged on to Fertility Friend (FF) and put in some dummy temps, with a slight increase for the next few days, to see what it would say/show. It doesn't give my 'cross hairs' until Monday, showing 'O' day as today...and they are dotted to boot. If you don't chart I'm totally speaking gibberish right now...but in layman's terms 'cross hairs' are a vertical and horizontal line on a BBT chart. The vertical line signifies when your 'projected' ovulation day was and the horizontal line (aka cover line) is just for visual purposes. Generally, as long as your temps stay above the cover line (which is .10 degrees above your highest temp for the last 6 temps prior to ovulation) it shows a shift in your temps (which is necessary for ovulation) and you're more likely to be pregnant. Dotted cross hairs says things aren't adding up but here's our best guess. [click the link on the right titled "My Chart" to see my chart and get an idea of what I'm talking about]
I'm so beyond frustrated!!
On a different note...I had my follow up Dr appointment, regarding my ER visit almost 2 weeks ago. This was the first time I had met this Dr so I didn't know what to expect. He looks a tad dorky but he is super nice. I appreciated him being straight forward and saying..."here's what it could be...here's why I don't think it's this...here's why I think it's this...here's the treatment plans for possibility A, B and C". He acknowledged and respected our fertility journey and said we would fit treatment around my cycles. I was impressed and felt at ease when we left. He, like the ER Dr, thinks it's an ulcer. He said it could still be my gall bladder but not likely. He said not stones but possibly 'sludge'. The plan is to finish my prescription of Prevacid and give it time to get out of my system to see if my symptoms return. If they don't..yahoo...problem solved and should it return it likely could be treated with OTC meds. Definitely best case scenario. If my symptoms return, I will go in for an upper GI (aka scope). Being slightly sedated, then have a tube/camera stuck down my throat to view the damage/confirm the ulcer and to get sample tissue to test for the bacteria that is known to cause the peptic ulcer. If that test confirms the ulcer I will be put on 'several rounds of strong antibiotic...meaning 2-3 different kinds at a time...for several weeks'. Ugh...ok...not my favorite scenario but do able. If the scope doesn't show anything, testing will be done to further check my gall bladder. Yee Haw...no thanks!! Praying for a simple, quick recovery.
No time for these praying knees to get lazy!
This cycle has been very different then the past eight. My temps have been high, for me, and I'm so confused as to why. I mentioned something to my hubby a week ago about it but figured they would come down the closer to 'O' time. NOPE...of course not...that would be to easy. For what ever reason I started testing with my OPKs on CD9. I don't know why I started testing so early, I guess I just had this urge to pee on something...lol. CD14 finally arrives and I pee on one OPK just before lunch...it's almost positive but not quite. Then I peed on my evening one at 7ish and it is definitely a positive...woo hoo!! On CD15 both tests were positive and I had cramping (on my left side...like always). I was sure it was 'O' day. So CD16 comes and my morning test is darker then I expected but not really a positive and by the evening test it's for sure a negative. Wham bam thank you ma'am...our timing couldn't have been better...but that's not really any different then the past 9 months.
Then CD17 arrives and a huge temp drop...what the??? That has never happened and doesn't make any sense. I think to myself, well the A/C wasn't on, the windows weren't open and I was sleeping in the same thing I had been for several days. ((I try to change as little as possible about my environment when 'O' day is approaching.)) Sure I probably slept with my mouth open...but that is definitely something that I do every night. So I figured...maybe it's because I only got 4.5 hours of sleep, the night before. Even though I know, less sleeps equals higher temps, it was the only thing that was different and out of the ordinary.
So today, CD18...an increase in my temps but not even back up to where they were. So tonight I decided to pee on another stick (I just ordered more that will be here Monday anyway so what could it hurt). It wasn't quite positive but it looked exactly like the morning test did on CD14. So I logged on to Fertility Friend (FF) and put in some dummy temps, with a slight increase for the next few days, to see what it would say/show. It doesn't give my 'cross hairs' until Monday, showing 'O' day as today...and they are dotted to boot. If you don't chart I'm totally speaking gibberish right now...but in layman's terms 'cross hairs' are a vertical and horizontal line on a BBT chart. The vertical line signifies when your 'projected' ovulation day was and the horizontal line (aka cover line) is just for visual purposes. Generally, as long as your temps stay above the cover line (which is .10 degrees above your highest temp for the last 6 temps prior to ovulation) it shows a shift in your temps (which is necessary for ovulation) and you're more likely to be pregnant. Dotted cross hairs says things aren't adding up but here's our best guess. [click the link on the right titled "My Chart" to see my chart and get an idea of what I'm talking about]
I'm so beyond frustrated!!
On a different note...I had my follow up Dr appointment, regarding my ER visit almost 2 weeks ago. This was the first time I had met this Dr so I didn't know what to expect. He looks a tad dorky but he is super nice. I appreciated him being straight forward and saying..."here's what it could be...here's why I don't think it's this...here's why I think it's this...here's the treatment plans for possibility A, B and C". He acknowledged and respected our fertility journey and said we would fit treatment around my cycles. I was impressed and felt at ease when we left. He, like the ER Dr, thinks it's an ulcer. He said it could still be my gall bladder but not likely. He said not stones but possibly 'sludge'. The plan is to finish my prescription of Prevacid and give it time to get out of my system to see if my symptoms return. If they don't..yahoo...problem solved and should it return it likely could be treated with OTC meds. Definitely best case scenario. If my symptoms return, I will go in for an upper GI (aka scope). Being slightly sedated, then have a tube/camera stuck down my throat to view the damage/confirm the ulcer and to get sample tissue to test for the bacteria that is known to cause the peptic ulcer. If that test confirms the ulcer I will be put on 'several rounds of strong antibiotic...meaning 2-3 different kinds at a time...for several weeks'. Ugh...ok...not my favorite scenario but do able. If the scope doesn't show anything, testing will be done to further check my gall bladder. Yee Haw...no thanks!! Praying for a simple, quick recovery.
No time for these praying knees to get lazy!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Taking the next step...
Well I made the call and set up our 2nd fertility appointment. The first one we scheduled we cancelled because we got our BFP. I'm excited and sad at the same time. Sad at the fact that it's come to this and for what ever reason after 9 months of trying and having perfect timing, we just haven't been successful. Excited because I am so ready to take the necessary steps in figuring out if there's an underlying reason for what I would call our 'unexplained infertility'.
I'm confident that my OB won't brush us off but I have this fear that she won't take a very aggressive approach since: a) we already have one child, and b) since I had the miscarriage in February (5 months into our TTC journey). When we met with her to confirm the pregnancy/loss, she was very supportative in being as aggressive as we wanted to be. So that gives me hope.
In the past 9 months I have really changed my habits/diet. I make a conscious effort to eat healthier, drink lots of water (which is a huge step for me) and if I have bad day I allow myself to drink a caffeine free drink. I have tried to educate myself in ways to best prepare my body to be in the best 'shape' possible to be a welcoming environment to grow a little miracle for 40 weeks.
All of a sudden out of nowhere, last Friday I couldn't eat or drink anything without being in such awful pain. Then, not eating brought on the same effects. I tolerated it as long as I could and decided to go to urgent care on Sunday, after church. The staff advised me that they were so limited on what they could do (not able to run any lab test, ultrasound, etc) so they advised me to go to the ER. They got me checked in, got some blood, urine and then did an ultrasound of my "upper quadrant", checking my liver, right kidney, pancreas and gall bladder. After the results were in, the Dr let us know everything looked good and she suspected that the pain is probably due to a peptic ulcer. She advised me to follow up with my primary dr this week and that a scope would likely be done to confirm it that is what was causing the pain. She prescribed a couple different drugs and had a nurse come in to administer them. The first thing was a Prevacid, and then gave me a GI cocktail. OMG...that was one of the most non pleasant things I've ever drank. It really should be given with a straw. My entire mouth, lips, tongue, and throat was numb. Scary stuff...I did not like the feeling at all.
So after I drank that the nurse asked if I wanted the pain killer the dr had ordered, I said no, if this was going to work and get me some relief, I didn't need anything else. Well it didn't do anything for the pain so I said, 'Yup, I'm going to need something else...this is only numbing my throat'. I just loved how the nurse responded by saying, "I'm not surprised"...well then why in the world didn't you explain that to me to begin with. UGH!! I couldn't even understand what she was calling it, she just kept saying it was a 'pain reliever'. Then she said do you want it in your butt or your arm??...HUH???...I said, 'oh, it's a shot'...well I picked my arm. Well it definitely did the trick, I no longer had any pain but yikes...I didn't hardly feel anything. Maybe 10 minutes went by and she came in with my discharge papers. I asked if it was a muscle relaxer and she said no, "it's the strongest narcotic we have". 'Oh, ok' ((I looked over at my husband and said well that explains why I'm feeling like I am)). She said, don't worry, I will get you a wheel chair. DUH...there was no way I could walk out. Surprisingly we weren't there very long from the time we checked in till I was being wheeled out...about 2.5 hours.
She pushed me outside and we waited while my hubby went to get the car. As I was sitting there waiting, I just started feeling really weird and told the nurse, "I think I need to lay down". She said, yea it's hot out here, let me push you back inside in the air conditioning. Well, that didn't work, so again I told her I needed to lay down. So she pushed me over to a double chair (two chairs with no arm in the middle) and laid me down. She started yelling at the security guard to get someone to help her (I'm guessing at this point I looked like Casper's twin). I vaguely remember another nurse being there and getting me back in the wheel chair so they could lay me down on a bed. I again, said, I just really need to lay down...and that's the last thing I remember until I was in a room and they were trying to get me into a bed. I was barely conscious and between my blood pressure bottoming out and the affects of the medicine (which I now know is called Dilaudid) I couldn't hardly open my eyes, let alone be of any assistance to get myself into bed. I do remember thinking, oh please don't drop me. After they got me back into the bed and got me hooked up to the monitors, panic set in...my BP was only 60/43 with a pulse of 47.
I was given a dose of something to counter act the Dilaudid and hooked up to an IV, that was running wide open. They brought me some crackers, peanut butter and a sprite...which was really appreciated since I hadn't eaten since breakfast, which was just a handful of cheerios. Every time I tried sitting up, my BP would drop and I would get sick to my stomach...this went on for several hours. They had to give me another dose of meds that counter the affects of the Dilaudid and then gave me something for the nausea. Five hours after I was initially discharged, I was finally able to sit upright and make it to the car.
I'm so thankful for the Prevacid because it is really helping but I'm worried because although it's Category B for pregnancy, I hate to take anything that could affect an unborn child. I'm just hoping and praying I will only have to be on it for a few weeks to give the ulcer time to heal and then I won't have to take it anymore, or at least long enough to get through a pregnancy. I know in the end, I will do what ever I have to do for a healthy pregnancy...whether I like it or not.
I'm confident that my OB won't brush us off but I have this fear that she won't take a very aggressive approach since: a) we already have one child, and b) since I had the miscarriage in February (5 months into our TTC journey). When we met with her to confirm the pregnancy/loss, she was very supportative in being as aggressive as we wanted to be. So that gives me hope.
In the past 9 months I have really changed my habits/diet. I make a conscious effort to eat healthier, drink lots of water (which is a huge step for me) and if I have bad day I allow myself to drink a caffeine free drink. I have tried to educate myself in ways to best prepare my body to be in the best 'shape' possible to be a welcoming environment to grow a little miracle for 40 weeks.
All of a sudden out of nowhere, last Friday I couldn't eat or drink anything without being in such awful pain. Then, not eating brought on the same effects. I tolerated it as long as I could and decided to go to urgent care on Sunday, after church. The staff advised me that they were so limited on what they could do (not able to run any lab test, ultrasound, etc) so they advised me to go to the ER. They got me checked in, got some blood, urine and then did an ultrasound of my "upper quadrant", checking my liver, right kidney, pancreas and gall bladder. After the results were in, the Dr let us know everything looked good and she suspected that the pain is probably due to a peptic ulcer. She advised me to follow up with my primary dr this week and that a scope would likely be done to confirm it that is what was causing the pain. She prescribed a couple different drugs and had a nurse come in to administer them. The first thing was a Prevacid, and then gave me a GI cocktail. OMG...that was one of the most non pleasant things I've ever drank. It really should be given with a straw. My entire mouth, lips, tongue, and throat was numb. Scary stuff...I did not like the feeling at all.
So after I drank that the nurse asked if I wanted the pain killer the dr had ordered, I said no, if this was going to work and get me some relief, I didn't need anything else. Well it didn't do anything for the pain so I said, 'Yup, I'm going to need something else...this is only numbing my throat'. I just loved how the nurse responded by saying, "I'm not surprised"...well then why in the world didn't you explain that to me to begin with. UGH!! I couldn't even understand what she was calling it, she just kept saying it was a 'pain reliever'. Then she said do you want it in your butt or your arm??...HUH???...I said, 'oh, it's a shot'...well I picked my arm. Well it definitely did the trick, I no longer had any pain but yikes...I didn't hardly feel anything. Maybe 10 minutes went by and she came in with my discharge papers. I asked if it was a muscle relaxer and she said no, "it's the strongest narcotic we have". 'Oh, ok' ((I looked over at my husband and said well that explains why I'm feeling like I am)). She said, don't worry, I will get you a wheel chair. DUH...there was no way I could walk out. Surprisingly we weren't there very long from the time we checked in till I was being wheeled out...about 2.5 hours.
She pushed me outside and we waited while my hubby went to get the car. As I was sitting there waiting, I just started feeling really weird and told the nurse, "I think I need to lay down". She said, yea it's hot out here, let me push you back inside in the air conditioning. Well, that didn't work, so again I told her I needed to lay down. So she pushed me over to a double chair (two chairs with no arm in the middle) and laid me down. She started yelling at the security guard to get someone to help her (I'm guessing at this point I looked like Casper's twin). I vaguely remember another nurse being there and getting me back in the wheel chair so they could lay me down on a bed. I again, said, I just really need to lay down...and that's the last thing I remember until I was in a room and they were trying to get me into a bed. I was barely conscious and between my blood pressure bottoming out and the affects of the medicine (which I now know is called Dilaudid) I couldn't hardly open my eyes, let alone be of any assistance to get myself into bed. I do remember thinking, oh please don't drop me. After they got me back into the bed and got me hooked up to the monitors, panic set in...my BP was only 60/43 with a pulse of 47.
I was given a dose of something to counter act the Dilaudid and hooked up to an IV, that was running wide open. They brought me some crackers, peanut butter and a sprite...which was really appreciated since I hadn't eaten since breakfast, which was just a handful of cheerios. Every time I tried sitting up, my BP would drop and I would get sick to my stomach...this went on for several hours. They had to give me another dose of meds that counter the affects of the Dilaudid and then gave me something for the nausea. Five hours after I was initially discharged, I was finally able to sit upright and make it to the car.
I'm so thankful for the Prevacid because it is really helping but I'm worried because although it's Category B for pregnancy, I hate to take anything that could affect an unborn child. I'm just hoping and praying I will only have to be on it for a few weeks to give the ulcer time to heal and then I won't have to take it anymore, or at least long enough to get through a pregnancy. I know in the end, I will do what ever I have to do for a healthy pregnancy...whether I like it or not.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Customer Service
Wow...is really all I can say. I'm in a state of shock.
As I have posted before, when I test with OPKs or HPTs I use the Wondfo test that I buy off Amazon. I lurk from time to time on the TTC forum on The Bump. Through my lurking I learned that there was a bad 'batch' of HPTs from Wondfo. Some people were getting false negatives and some were getting false positives...YIKES!! I went to check my stash and sure enough I was 'lucky' enough to have the bad batch. Well I didn't want to deal with the mental obsession of wondering if the tests were right so I contacted Wondfo regarding my concern.
Well today, via FedEx I received this...for FREE!!!
(10) strips
(20) cassettes
I couldn't believe it. All they asked is that I test each kind, take a picture of the result and email it to them.
These test are so reasonably priced already I would have never guessed they would do something like this. It makes me really think about the age old saying, "You get what you pay for", which obviously doesn't apply to this situation.
So before I step off my soap box for the day, maybe keep this in mind before you go and buy HPTs (or OPKs for that matter) at Wal-Mart. I'm pretty sure customer service like this is not practiced by very many companies.
As I have posted before, when I test with OPKs or HPTs I use the Wondfo test that I buy off Amazon. I lurk from time to time on the TTC forum on The Bump. Through my lurking I learned that there was a bad 'batch' of HPTs from Wondfo. Some people were getting false negatives and some were getting false positives...YIKES!! I went to check my stash and sure enough I was 'lucky' enough to have the bad batch. Well I didn't want to deal with the mental obsession of wondering if the tests were right so I contacted Wondfo regarding my concern.
Well today, via FedEx I received this...for FREE!!!
(10) strips
(20) cassettes
I couldn't believe it. All they asked is that I test each kind, take a picture of the result and email it to them.
These test are so reasonably priced already I would have never guessed they would do something like this. It makes me really think about the age old saying, "You get what you pay for", which obviously doesn't apply to this situation.
So before I step off my soap box for the day, maybe keep this in mind before you go and buy HPTs (or OPKs for that matter) at Wal-Mart. I'm pretty sure customer service like this is not practiced by very many companies.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Disappointment...
Well here I am...CD2. Another month behind me. Another month to try. This month was extra disappointing because everything was saying "YES" on my chart. Yet, God said, "NO". My chart was almost text book positive...it was triphasic (a triphasic chart shows three levels of temperatures: pre-ovulation, post-ovulation, and then a second rise around 7-10 days after ovulation) and actual symptoms, not just 'phantom symptoms'. I'm so mad at myself for letting my guard down and getting excited. Doing so only made the disappoint that much harder to deal with.
I keep telling myself maybe we need to take a break...but who am I kidding. NO WAY am I giving up. No matter how hard month after month of disappointment is, my desire to bring another child into this world is greater and stronger then all the disappointment. It is my faith that has brought me through all the ups and downs I've experienced in my life...and it is my faith that will bring me through this too.
I always try to think of something positive in every situation so here's my positive spin on this situation. When I got pregnant with Ethan, I stopped taking my BCP and had got my period on May 26, 2009 and on June 21st we got our BFP! So here we are 3 years later and I start my period on May 27th. Maybe it's just God's plan for our kids to have birthdays within a few days of each other. Ethan was 2 weeks early but a lot of times the 2nd child comes sooner then the EDD, so it could be very possible that they would have birthdays very close. What would be really crazy, is if we were blessed with another child this month, they too came 2 weeks early and were born on 2/21/13...not only would my kids be 3 years and 1 day apart but my dad would have 4 grand kids with birthdays right in a row that month (2/18, 2/19, 2/20 & then 2/21). Oh how funny that would be! :) I'm a hopeful optimist and I'm also an OCD planner, so these thoughts just come naturally.
A girl can hope and dream...
I keep telling myself maybe we need to take a break...but who am I kidding. NO WAY am I giving up. No matter how hard month after month of disappointment is, my desire to bring another child into this world is greater and stronger then all the disappointment. It is my faith that has brought me through all the ups and downs I've experienced in my life...and it is my faith that will bring me through this too.
I always try to think of something positive in every situation so here's my positive spin on this situation. When I got pregnant with Ethan, I stopped taking my BCP and had got my period on May 26, 2009 and on June 21st we got our BFP! So here we are 3 years later and I start my period on May 27th. Maybe it's just God's plan for our kids to have birthdays within a few days of each other. Ethan was 2 weeks early but a lot of times the 2nd child comes sooner then the EDD, so it could be very possible that they would have birthdays very close. What would be really crazy, is if we were blessed with another child this month, they too came 2 weeks early and were born on 2/21/13...not only would my kids be 3 years and 1 day apart but my dad would have 4 grand kids with birthdays right in a row that month (2/18, 2/19, 2/20 & then 2/21). Oh how funny that would be! :) I'm a hopeful optimist and I'm also an OCD planner, so these thoughts just come naturally.
A girl can hope and dream...
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Anxiety Builds...
It's been awhile since my last post but I've been trying to keep myself busy. I've tried not to think to much about all the details of the TTC journey; the timing, the symptoms, the 'what ifs'; the meds; the temps; the tests; etc. I've done fairly well. ::pats self on back:: So, instead I've been spending time organizing this and that around the house; playing outside in the beautiful weather with my lil man; being more compassionate with my best friend/hubby, and really putting into perspective the things that are important to me. Not to mention being so thankful for all the wonderful blessings I've been given.
My organization led me to Ethan's room and sorting through clothes that no longer fit or are now out of season. As I was going through his closet I came across a few 'big brother' items I have already purchased for him, but had tucked away. I just sat in the middle of his room, crying and loosing all control. I had done so good and then BOOM my mind was going crazy. What if this is our month; what fun way would we tell everyone; analyzing every symptom I've been having but brushing off; how I would explain to Ethan that he would be a big brother; what would we do with all the stuff in the spare bedroom. So much excitement came flooding over me. The anxiety soon took over my body. I'm handling this month so differently then the previous, but I guess when you have your heart broken for 7 months in a row you get use to the let down. As always, I am hopeful and cautiously optimistic but I'm also reminding myself that this too could be like 6 of the past 7 months. I've come to terms with that and know if not today, then someday...that's what faith is all about.
Now that I've allowed myself to acknowledge the symptoms I've been having, I'm anxious for the weekend. Between our outstanding timing, amazingly good CM (which mind you was all natural...I didn't take anything for it. YAHOO!! You may remember I stated in my last entry that I purchased the pre-seed...well it was delivered the day after I ovulated so it didn't do any good this month.) and positive symptoms that include crazy sore boobies, random cramping off and on since 'O' and extreme exhaustion...my hopes are extra high this month. :) Only time will tell...
Here is a song that we sang at church on Sunday and it really hit home with me. Enjoy!
My organization led me to Ethan's room and sorting through clothes that no longer fit or are now out of season. As I was going through his closet I came across a few 'big brother' items I have already purchased for him, but had tucked away. I just sat in the middle of his room, crying and loosing all control. I had done so good and then BOOM my mind was going crazy. What if this is our month; what fun way would we tell everyone; analyzing every symptom I've been having but brushing off; how I would explain to Ethan that he would be a big brother; what would we do with all the stuff in the spare bedroom. So much excitement came flooding over me. The anxiety soon took over my body. I'm handling this month so differently then the previous, but I guess when you have your heart broken for 7 months in a row you get use to the let down. As always, I am hopeful and cautiously optimistic but I'm also reminding myself that this too could be like 6 of the past 7 months. I've come to terms with that and know if not today, then someday...that's what faith is all about.
Now that I've allowed myself to acknowledge the symptoms I've been having, I'm anxious for the weekend. Between our outstanding timing, amazingly good CM (which mind you was all natural...I didn't take anything for it. YAHOO!! You may remember I stated in my last entry that I purchased the pre-seed...well it was delivered the day after I ovulated so it didn't do any good this month.) and positive symptoms that include crazy sore boobies, random cramping off and on since 'O' and extreme exhaustion...my hopes are extra high this month. :) Only time will tell...
Here is a song that we sang at church on Sunday and it really hit home with me. Enjoy!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Room to breathe...
We are now eight months into this journey and the helplessness is really setting in. I have the "WHY" conversation with God on a daily basis. I just don't understand. It's nearly impossible to not feel like a failure. I can slowly feel the depression creeping in. I know we are doing everything we can possibly do, but it doesn't make it any easier.
This month I have been much more laid back in the fact of telling my self it's ok to just let go for a few days. So, today was the first time in a week that I have taken my temp. It was never really that much of a bother but we were away from home for a few days and I didn't want to have to worry about stressing if the change in schedule or sleeping arrangements were affecting my temps. Yet, today they seemed higher then normal and I've had weird twinges going on and I'm mentally obsessed with 'why'. I also haven't taken all the supplements to help with CM. I will begin taking the "Fertile CM" supplement tonight, because it helps with preparing the uterine lining. Instead, I ordered preseed, so we shall see if it's worth the darn $20 it cost.
Today was mine and my amazing husband's 3rd anniversary. Our relationship didn't start out easy either...it was kinda complicated. Hubby is still on vacation and we had nothing planned today, which I couldn't have thought of a better way to spend the day. Even though Ethan rolled into the wall at 5 am and bumped his head causing him to wake up, I didn't mind. Was I ready to get up at 5 am...umm no...but it was great to have him laying next to me on the couch, slowly drifting off back to sleep. I have already been given the greatest gift ever and even though on this journey I have bad days I still know it's worth it. It's worth all the frustration, it's worth all the tears, it's worth all the "practice", it's worth all hopes and dreams. No matter how long my journey, it will all be worth it. I can't wait to someday be blessed with another child and be able to look into their eyes and tell them..."You were worth it all"!!
This month I have been much more laid back in the fact of telling my self it's ok to just let go for a few days. So, today was the first time in a week that I have taken my temp. It was never really that much of a bother but we were away from home for a few days and I didn't want to have to worry about stressing if the change in schedule or sleeping arrangements were affecting my temps. Yet, today they seemed higher then normal and I've had weird twinges going on and I'm mentally obsessed with 'why'. I also haven't taken all the supplements to help with CM. I will begin taking the "Fertile CM" supplement tonight, because it helps with preparing the uterine lining. Instead, I ordered preseed, so we shall see if it's worth the darn $20 it cost.
Today was mine and my amazing husband's 3rd anniversary. Our relationship didn't start out easy either...it was kinda complicated. Hubby is still on vacation and we had nothing planned today, which I couldn't have thought of a better way to spend the day. Even though Ethan rolled into the wall at 5 am and bumped his head causing him to wake up, I didn't mind. Was I ready to get up at 5 am...umm no...but it was great to have him laying next to me on the couch, slowly drifting off back to sleep. I have already been given the greatest gift ever and even though on this journey I have bad days I still know it's worth it. It's worth all the frustration, it's worth all the tears, it's worth all the "practice", it's worth all hopes and dreams. No matter how long my journey, it will all be worth it. I can't wait to someday be blessed with another child and be able to look into their eyes and tell them..."You were worth it all"!!
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